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| Poetic- I feel nonetheless. Nothing has destroyed me and brought me back from the ashes more than Love.
My feet need grounding. My head is waging battles w/ my
heart. And there I lay, suspended for a nanosecond. This
nanosecond seems like forever.
The sun has set on what I knew before. I sigh a relief. You
cannot clip my wings. I will rise to soar again tomorrow.
Meanwhile, my son has four teeth. I love listening to his giggles
and his gurgling. I want another child, perhaps after Rock is two
or so. I'm not dead set on it, but it's not that hard to
procreate. It's much more of a challenge to be a parent though.
ack.... give it a little time, my writer's block will go away.
Besides sex, i do need a good piece of spicy chocolate, some wine, a good
cigar, and some creative inspiration. Like a drunk needs water, I need water.
So let's talk about something positive. My mom is getting married
to her boyfriend in October and I'm glad. I know this guy is "It"
for her, as long as she can get over her insecurities. It'll all
be okay, Mom. We all have the ability to change and be
different. We're catering this one, too. Chock it up for
experience.
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| It's been awhile. Haven't written in this for ages. Don't
know what to type, though it's only apparent of the mixed up feelings
I've had inside for a while. Do I go? Do I stay? Do I just wither
in denial? Do I live for what I know is right? But, why be
right if it causes so much suffering?
Love life is on the rocks. Marriages have rough patches, don't
they? Reality has hit that some things will never change, or do
they just erode over time? So many questions.
I love him. I love him, too. I love him, also.
Conversations in the dark can bring out the truth. I have no idea
why the warmth of your breath can still be sensed, but I am all
alone. And I smell you.
And if I never gave you a chance again, I may regret it. And if I gave him a chance again, I may never regret it.
I'm far from divorce, but I'm far from where we started from.
You're working from a defecit. I can't find my "forgive & forget"
button- lost it in the laundry.
And then the artist... they're all artists, aren't they? Seduces
me w/ the murky waters and mystery that shrouds my heart. Things
are stirring, and I see you like a livewire, but I just can't touch
you. My hands are tied. I feel locked up. But I'm
looking for a 'Lover' & a 'Provider' .... does it exist in your
handbook?
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| Do you ever wonder if it could have happened any other way?
Joie de vivre.
Death. Encampment. Entrapment.
Leave and let live.
You are suffocating me, but I cannot breathe without you.
Somewhere in my soul, I will be okay. In my heart, you have one
place. In my mind, I refuse to tolerate your idiot savant. No more.
This is the end of the line.
Choose to live, or die alone.
__________
I happen upon the most sobering epiphany when I'm drunk. Does that mean I am mostly drunk when I'm sober?
__________
I refuse to be a victim-powerless, worthless, and self-loathing. I
deserve better. I deserve what it is that makes me happy. Life is
short, why not be happy?
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| Been itching to write.... anything,something.... no time to put aside
to scribble my thoughts, but I did receive a letter in the mail the
other day. Here's what it said:
THANK YOU...not only for last night but for everything...you have
always been a supporter no matter what ideas were going thru my head at
that moment....*note..ive had a lot of idea's that run thru my head
thru the years* thank you for last night...i couldnt have done it
without your help...im not one to get emotional but last night was a
very memorable night for me...thank you for sharing it with me...i
still remember zsa zsa zu, hummus, butterfly, voda, july 6th, 1835
vallejo st, hyphy, my exhaust noise heard from the window, and love
pirate...
you are always welcome over for dinner,
(Author to remain anonymous)
To which my reply was:
.... deleted by the press of a button.... but it did say something to
the effect that thoughts and ideas are fleeting and temporary, but what
is permanent are the threads, unseen by the naked eye, that tie us
together and weave our lives into eternity. I pray you meet your
destiny w/ your chin up and your heart open.
I stole this from Gabe (whom stole it from a business card)... how enlightening:
Most human beings live parallel lives...
One is the life we have.
The other is the life our souls crave.
Each day brings an opportunity
to weave these into one.
If we don't take action to create
Our most desired life,
Then the life we have will expand.
And the glimmer of what could have been
Will be like an abandoned road
Grown over with weeds and forgotten.
Get clear now. Live boldly without delay.
... on that note: this is
exactly what I was thinking. Over a quarter century ago, I was
born, AND to do what?! What the hell was I sent here to do?
Did somebody send me or did I choose to go of my own free will?
So if I chose to go, what point is there for me to be sitting here
spinning my wheels? If I was sent here, either on a mission or
for some form of punishment. Here I am nonetheless. Let's
make the best of it. Let's make the best of me and what I have to
offer. And somewhere, when my heart cries, my soul rejoices for
the new lesson it has received. "Get clear now," it said.
And I thought to myself.... "Clarity".... now what beautiful thing that
is. If I am clear, and act accordingly, then I am considered to be
authentic. If I am genuine, then I must simply be.
Therefore, I am. I am. I am I am I am I am....
I am.
Realize that one truth and you shall never be limited by things you attach your identity.
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